


Heaven

by MaeTaurus



Series: Blue Neighborhood [9]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2019-09-12 06:43:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16868056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeTaurus/pseuds/MaeTaurus
Summary: Dan and Phil are outed; Dan reacts badly.





	Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> Based on Troye Sivan's song, Heaven, from his album, Blue Neighborhood.
> 
> Originally posted to Tumblr on December 30, 2016.

> _The truth runs wild **  
> **_
> 
> _Like a tear down a cheek._
> 
> _Trying to save face, and daddy heart break,_
> 
> _I’m lying through my teeth._
> 
> _This voice inside_
> 
> _Has been eating at me,_
> 
> _Trying to replace the love that I fake_
> 
> _With what we both need._

“Dan! Oh my god, Dan?!” Phil shouted, running through the flat to find his boyfriend, phone in hand.

“What?” Dan called back casually, not even looking up when Phil walked into the lounge. “Did you find another cute video of a sloth?”

Phil sat down next to Dan and shook his head. “No, just look,” he said, shoving his phone at Dan with a sense of urgency.

Dan frowned. It wasn’t like Phil to get so upset over nothing so he knew something was wrong. He pushed his laptop to the side and took Phil’s phone.

His eyes immediately widened and he shook his head. “No. No this can’t be happening. Oh my god no!” Dan kept scrolling through Phil’s twitter feed, looking at all the gifs and screenshots. “No no no no,” he said over and over. “No.”

Dan couldn’t believe it. He knew it had been a stupid idea to kiss at the party last night. But there was a strict no vlogging rule and he was sure there were no cameras when he glanced around before they kissed.

‘ _One peck. One stupid, little peck had ruined everything,_ ’ Dan thought to himself. ‘ _And one stupid YouTuber who hadn’t thought to check their footage before uploading it_.’

He was angry. He was angry at the vlogger for filming and then not checking the background of the video first. But mostly, Dan was angry at himself. He was angry because he let it happen. Because he and Phil had a very strict no kissing in public rule for this very reason. But Phil had looked so good in his suit and Dan couldn’t help himself.

“This isn’t fair,” Dan mumbled.

Phil took his phone back. He knew Dan needed to know but he didn’t want Dan to keep scrolling and torture himself. “No, it’s not. But it happened so we just have to deal with it.”

Dan nodded. He knew Phil was right but he couldn’t deal with it now. He didn’t want to come up with a game plan for how to, or if they even would, address it.

“We can’t lie,” Phil continued. “Before we were able to make up excuses but this is different. There’s no excuse for us kissing. And I don’t think it would be fair to lie to everyone now, not when it would be an obvious lie.”

He nodded again, though he hadn’t been listening to Phil. Dan got up and left the lounge, closing his bedroom door behind him to let Phil know he needed to be alone.

> _The truth runs wild_
> 
> _Like kids on concrete,_
> 
> _Trying to sedate my mind in its cage_
> 
> _And numb what I see._
> 
> _Awake, wide eyed,_
> 
> _I’m screaming at me._
> 
> _Trying to keep faith and picture his face_
> 
> _Staring up at me._

He knew that he shouldn’t have looked online. He knew it was a bad idea before he even started. But Dan had to. He knew that people would be talking about it and he had to know what they were saying, had to know just how bad it was.

Naturally, it was really bad. Almost every single one of Dan’s mentions was someone freaking out about the kiss. Most people were nice and seemed to be really supportive and accepting, but there were still quite a few that were downright hateful.

_fag!!1_

_your going to hell!_

_Keep your filth off the internet._

_disgusting_

_That’s just wrong!_

_i’m unsubbing_

All the negative comments were really starting to get to Dan. He wasn’t dumb, he knew there were homophobic people online, he’d just been hopeful that none of them were following him and Phil.

Eventually Dan couldn’t take it anymore. He threw his phone and heard it land on the end of his bed then slide off. Dan couldn’t stop thinking about all of the hate though, even after he’d stopped looking at it.

> _Without losing a piece of me,_
> 
> _How do I get to heaven?_
> 
> _Without changing a part of me,_
> 
> _How do I get to heaven?_
> 
> _All my time is wasted,_
> 
> _Feeling like my heart’s mistaken._
> 
> _So if I’m losing a piece of me,_
> 
> _Maybe I don’t want heaven._

Dan knew they were all wrong. He knew that there was nothing wrong with him and Phil being together. It felt right to him and that’s all that mattered…right?

He’d started to second guess himself and think that maybe, just maybe, they were all right. Maybe what they were doing was wrong and they really were going to Hell.

Dan sighed and tried hard not to think about it. He closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down but the comments kept scrolling across the backs of his eyelids, a constant, never ending reminder that people hated him.

Dan had always struggled with not being straight, ever since he was really little and had his first crush on a boy. His very religious Grandma had hammered it into his head that being gay was a sin and kissing another boy was a sin. So naturally, Dan started to think the same things. For a long time Dan repressed his romantic and sexual feelings he had towards anyone who wasn’t a girl. But that never felt right either.

In doing this, Dan felt like a piece of himself was missing. He felt like he was lying to everyone about who he was, himself included. And he hated that. He hated every single day that he’d lived a lie. It was hard for him but Dan was finally able to accept himself for who he was – a boy who liked other boys.

All of that had happened many years ago, before he’d even discovered what YouTube was, but all of this hate struck a nerve with him. Dan was starting to think that maybe he should go back to hiding and pretend like he was straight again. It would make things easier, even if it did mean living a lie and losing himself in the process.

> _The truth runs wild_
> 
> _Like the rain to the sea,_
> 
> _Trying to set straight the lines that I trace_
> 
> _To find some relief._
> 
> _This voice inside_
> 
> _Has been eating at me,_
> 
> _Trying to embrace the picture I paint_
> 
> _And colour me free._

Dan could feel a panic attack coming on. He could feel it building in his stomach and moving up through his chest. He couldn’t pinpoint which thought had led him to panicking. Maybe it was all of the comments and thinking about them all over and over again. Dan had them memorized by now, every last negative one he’d read, and probably a few he’d made up.

He was imagining the worst case scenario. Everyone unsubscribing from all of his and Phil’s channels, leaving them with no audience which would mean no source of income. Why had they decided to leave the BBC? Why had they thought that was a good idea? It had been the only job they could count on being there, especially since there was a contract involved. But no, of course they’d decided to leave and instead focus on being YouTubers and make videos, books, and go on tour. Dan knew they’d been stupid. He knew he’d regret that decision one day. And today was that day.

Dan knew they wouldn’t have any friends after this. Nobody would want to be friends with two  _fags_. Not that they had many friends anyway. ‘ _Maybe they all already knew. That’s it, they’ve known that we’re together and that’s why they don’t want to be our friends_ ,’ Dan thought, thinking he had it all figured out.

He shook his head to erase all thoughts. No, Dan knew none of that was true. He and Phil did have friends. They had tons of friends. Dan tried to list them all but there were too many and he kept losing track of who he’d named.

“Take deep breaths,” Dan reminded himself outloud. “Close your eyes and take some deep breaths.” He did just that, letting his eyes fall shut and taking deep breaths in and out.

_Breathe in…one…two…three…four…five…six…seven…_

_Breathe out…eight…nine…ten…eleven…twelve…thirteen…fourteen…fifteen…_

Dan repeated this a few times until his breathing was back to normal. He opened his eyes and looked around the room. His mind kept trying to wander off back to all of the negative thoughts and no matter how hard he tried, he was unable to focus on anything else.

“Five things I can see,” Dan muttered to himself, remembering a technique he’d found online that he’d tried and knew worked for him. “My desk, my duvet, that picture of me and Phil, an empty bottle of water, and Phil’s coat.”

“Four things I can touch. My sweater, my fairy lights, a pen, and that glass of water.”

“Three things I can hear. Myself talking, the neighbor drilling, and the TV from the lounge.”

“Two things I can smell. Phil’s cologne and my shampoo.”

“One thing I can taste. My chapstick.”

Once Dan had finished, he felt much more grounded. He took a few more deep breaths then stood up. He knew being alone for any longer was going to make him think negatively again and then he’d be back to where he started.

He stood up and made his way to the lounge where he knew Phil still was.

> _So I’m counting to fifteen,_
> 
> _Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen._
> 
> _So I’m counting to fifteen,_
> 
> _Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen._
> 
> _So I’m counting to fifteen,_
> 
> _Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen._
> 
> _So I’m counting to fifteen,_
> 
> _Counting to fifteen, counting to fifteen._

Phil looked up when he heard Dan’s footsteps and saw he’d been crying. He’d heard Dan talking out loud as he tried to ground himself. He’d grown used to it by now and often found himself looking around the room to search for different objects he could observe with all his senses.

Dan sat down next to Phil. He took Phil’s hand and held onto it tightly. “Don’t wanna be alone,” he muttered. “I can’t.”

Phil nodded and squeezed Dan’s hand gently. “I’m right here,” he reminded Dan softly. He let go of Dan’s hand, quickly replacing it with his other hand, and putting his arm around Dan’s waist. Phil reached up and ran his fingers through Dan’s hair then leaned in and kissed his forehead. “I’m right here,” Phil repeated, softer this time.

Dan nodded and leaned into Phil’s soft touches. He closed his eyes and started sobbing. He knew he looked awful but he didn’t care, and he knew Phil didn’t either.

He hadn’t realized he’d been holding back his emotions so much but now that he was with Phil and knew he was safe, Dan felt free to let his emotions run wild and cry as much as he felt like.

Phil held him the whole time, never once letting go of Dan. He occasionally whispered to Dan, just to remind him that he was still there for him, but didn’t try to initiate any conversation. Phil knew Dan needed to cry it out before he would feel like talking. But he didn’t mind. He’d known how upset Dan was going to be when he saw they’d been outed, even if it was a careless mistake. Phil had been worried about how Dan would react since he knew how sensitive Dan was about the topic already. So he stayed there with Dan, holding his boyfriend close as he cried and cried.

> _The truth runs wild_
> 
> _Like a tear down a cheek._


End file.
